Something Radiates
by Lenina Crowne
Summary: Remus tries to find himself after Sirius' death. Tonks wants to help, but it's not so easy getting Remus Lupin to open up to anyone... Post OotP.
1. The plan

**Something Radiates - **_Chapter One_

_The Plan_

**_Disclaimer: _**_I do not own any of these characters. I'd lie and say I did, but I think someone would figure me out… Oh, and the fic title is from the song "Round Here," by Counting Crows, although the song will not be used in this fanfic._

Remus crouched, shivering, behind a particularly thick bush. He squinted in the darkness for any sign of life inside the deserted Muggle warehouse before him, but all was silent aside from the sound of rain pelting the pavement. He thought of performing a heating spell, but grudgingly decided it would be too much of a risk. He could not let his presence be known until the perfect time. He needed to see them first – have the upper hand. Besides, he couldn't get too comfortable. He had been waiting outside for three hours and it was now well past midnight. If he felt too comfortable, there was no doubt in Remus' mind that he would fall asleep. He could not let that happen. Not when he was so close…

Remus had been back and forth about this plan for weeks. It had, in actuality, been designed two months ago - a week after Sirius' death, but he kept postponing to save himself. The consequences were grave and brought on his hesitation and ultimate delay. However, he knew it was his duty to avenge his late friend. Not only did he owe this to Sirius, but also, in a way, he owed this to James. Death Eaters should not have been able to walk freely with good wizards and Muggles alike, especially not those consumed with thoughts of Harry Potter's death. He could not sit by and allow Harry to die. It was his duty, now that both James and Sirius were gone, to protect Harry. He would not let them down.

Of course, his position at the current time was very likely to end in his own death. It was true that, in a way, he was failing them all. He would willingly leave Harry alone in the world again. At least James and Sirius hadn't _chosen _death over living. And yet, Remus thought there was something very right about what he was about to do. There were plenty of people who could still help Harry. He was not, in actuality, fit for such a position. He was unpredictable and untamable at his very worst. Certainly, he was not even close to the perfect guardian. There were better wizards like the Weasleys – Mrs. Weasley, in particular – Moody, Dumbledore, Tonks…

_Tonks._

He sighed. She would be horrified if she knew what he was up to at this very moment. Not that the rest of the Order wouldn't have been, but especially Tonks. The two of them had become close over the past year, living together at Grimmauld Place. It was expected, really. Of course, there was Sirius, but Sirius would get into his "moods," as they referred to it, and hide upstairs with Buckbeak for hours at a time. It was during those times that he and Tonks would talk. At first, it was just discussing concern about Sirius' sullenness and Order-related business, but quickly it evolved into conversations about everything - from their experiences at Hogwarts, to the latest books they were reading.

As horrifying as the thought was, in a way, she replaced Sirius. He began to prefer spending time with her rather than Sirius, although he never voiced this secret. Remus had changed since they had served in the Order together the first time, but certainly, no one had changed as much as Sirius. What had once been youthful joy and general thirst for life glowing in his eyes had been completely quelled. In fact, the last memory Remus had of Sirius was not the look of surprise on his face, nor the smile that had never quite left it before he fell, but the look in his eyes. Hollow. Sad. Dark. That was not the Sirius he had been best friends with, in his younger years.

That was what made this mission so much easier for Remus. He hated Voldemort and his followers for the loss of Sirius' personality more than for his recent death. Besides, as far as Remus was concerned, Sirius had died almost fifteen years ago. He had died the moment Peter had betrayed him and the Potters. Azkaban was just a place like any other after that.

Then, of course, there were the letters Remus had left on his bed. One for Harry and one for Tonks. He was sure the letters would be found, when he didn't show up for the Order meeting tomorrow and they came to investigate…

That would still be a long time from now. By that time, he would be, well, he didn't want to think about it anymore. He wished the Death Eaters would show up so he could stop pondering his decisions. It made that feeling of guilt in the pit of his stomach swell.

-

After another uneventful hour, Remus heard shuffling coming from inside the warehouse. He held his breath, listening with all his might. Although the full moon, only three nights away, had heightened his senses acutely, he would not allow himself to fall into the trap of lycanthropy. He could just as easily be hearing sounds from much farther than the warehouse, a few meters in front of him. No, he could not trust just _hearing_. He knew he had to wait and _see_.

Another ten minutes passed as Remus' heart beat unnaturally fast in his chest. Just when he thought his rib cage was going to explode with anxiety, he saw a flash of light. Someone was definitely there and they had just lit a fire. Remus took a deep breath, closing his eyes tightly for a moment, before Disapparating.

He appeared in the warehouse with a loud 'crack' that reverberated throughout the vacant room. He idly hoped no one had heard, but it would not really matter if they had. Secrecy would help, but it was not necessary. They were not expecting an intrusion.

Holding his wand out in front of him, Remus opened the door, cringing as it creaked on its rusty hinges, before walking carefully up the dusty stairs. He could hear the voices in earnest now. There were four men and a woman. One of the men and the woman were arguing. Remus stopped walking, curious to know what they were arguing about.

"It was I who murdered him!" the woman yelled furiously, "_I _should get the next one!"

"Yes, Bella, that is true," the man answered lazily, "But I recognized that he was that…animal… back in September. Besides," he added as she attempted to interrupt, "You hold _nothing_ over me.

Remus balled his fists up. He was right. She was there. Suddenly, all the guilt he had been feeling disappeared, replaced by a thirst for blood that was unlike any he had felt in his human form. Yet, he still stopped, listening…

"You are both foolish!" came a raspy voice that, even after all these years, Remus could not misplace.

_Wormtail._

"I was the one to bring the Dark Lord back, not you! Stop your bickering. I am the one who will be rewarded with this, not you!"

Silence followed. Anger was thick in the air. Remus could feel it burning under his own skin. He knew that the Death Eaters were now blinded with rage. He could sneak up on them. It was now or never.

The door exploded with the force of Remus' reductor curse. The dust momentarily hid Remus from view as he climbed over the remains of the door. The five Death Eaters stared in a stunned stupor for a few moments, giving Remus the upper hand. Pointing his wand at the ceiling, he caused the large, broken light fixture to fall. It pinned Lucious Malfoy to the floor, knocking him unconscious in the process. As the shock wore off, though, Bella had realized what was happening and pointed her wand angrily at him. Peter Disapparated. The two remaining men - Dolohov and Macnair - stood on either side of Bella, wands also pointed at Remus. His heart sped up again. The surprise was over and he was outnumbered. Well, he knew the scheme was a death sentence from the start.

With that thought, he pointed his wand at the three of them and bellowed, "Stupefy!" as the three Death Eaters each sent a curse spiraling toward him. Remus ducked out of the way just in time. His curse, on the other hand, hit Dolohov, on Bella's right, square in the stomach as he froze, mouth open in surprise. Remus remained flat on the ground, head and wand pointing upward. Bella stood in front of him, a twisted smile present on her face. Remus felt the bile sneak up his throat as he attempted to gain composure. It was the same, sinister smile she had held when she'd murdered Sirius. A powerful surge of energy filled him at that revelation. He jumped up from the floor.

"Ah, so you've returned to avenge your late _friend _have you?" She smiled again as the man on her left began to laugh. The laugh did not reach Macnair's eyes.

Remus did not answer.

"Silent defiance… isn't that _cute_? Although I can't say I would not like to hear you scream as I rip apart your body, limb from limb, Werewolf… but it is far better you remain silent than _laugh_…as my poor, _deceased _cousin did."

Although his brow furrowed in concentration, Remus did not let a single sound escape his mouth. Macnair walked behind Remus, as Bella stood in front of him. He could not fight them both. This was it. He was doomed. But so was Bella. He would not let her live.

Ignoring the man behind him, Remus defiantly faced Bella's sneering face and ducked before he even saw the curse coming. Wand pointed at her, he yelled, "Avada Kedavra!" but before he could see if she had been hit, Remus felt a curse singe the back of his leg and the entire room went black.

**_A/N: _**_Thanks to my wonderful beta, Yen. Reviews are most appreciated, although not flames. I can handle them though, if need be. :/ TBC soon._


	2. Recovery

**Something Radiates** _– Chapter 2_

_Recovery_

Remus awoke, acutely aware of the pain. He felt it everywhere; a pain worse than any he had ever experienced before. Even the slow, rhythmic movement of his chest as he breathed in and out was enough to make him wince. He attempted to open his eyes, but gave that up almost immediately. His eyelids felt as heavy as lead. Yet, the bed was soft; so very, very soft. He never _ever _wanted to move again. With that thought, he drifted out of consciousness once more…

When he awoke again, the pain, although still great, had dulled drastically. His neck was getting stiff from its position on the pillow. He was able to move his head, just a few centimeters to the right. Feeling reassured that his actions would not cause greater pain, he began to open and close his fist, stretching the fingers. After a minute of this, he did the same with his toes. He paused in his experimentation only when he began to hear voices in the background. He wondered if they had been talking the entire time. Remus tried to concentrate, but the effort made the splitting pain in his head increase.

Where _was _he, anyway? Certainly, he was not in his home; the bed was far too comfortable. He was not at Grimmauld Place either, though, because there was no musky smell in the air. He tried to think, but thinking took so much effort and energy. He decided he had to do _something _because he was too confused and the confusion was just making everything worse. In general, Remus tried to avoid confusion. He did not want to lose any more control of the situation. Although he did not know exactly what was going on, he knew it was something involving him…

Slowly, his eyelids fluttered open. The pain of the light was so intense that he felt, for a moment, like his eyeballs had caught fire. He blinked, involuntary tears falling down his cheeks. He was not positive whether he was crying from the light or the pain in his head that had just intensified. Remus blinked furiously, trying to gain focus. He could see blurry outlines of three people standing in the corner, huddled together, although who they were, he could not say. He turned his head slightly, wincing, and saw someone else – a witch, he presumed, by the smaller stature – bustling around in the other corner. He turned his head to the left, and was momentarily shocked by what he saw. Something was changing color – from blue, to pink, to blue again. He struggled to gain focus. What was that?

Suddenly, just as his vision cleared, he was hit with a memory. His body went rigid with pain and, above all else, fear.

_He was standing face to face with Bellatrix; her wand pointing at his chest, as a twisted sneer reached her lips. He was cornered, but he pulled out his wand and ducked. He had thrown his own curse, the killing curse, but before he knew what had happened, he had been hit. Everything went black._

"NOOOOOOOO!"

He shot up in the unfamiliar bed, but, without warning, a wave of nausea hit and he vomited off the side of the bed. Two of the three people in the corner of the room ran over to him, startled. Remus recognized them immediately, and was suddenly filled with a sense of dread.

"Remus!" Arthur Weasley enthused, "Thank _Merlin_ you're awake."

Moody joined them at Arthur's side, "Gave us a right scare there, son," said Mad-Eye gruffly, but Remus could see a hint of a relief in the man's normal eye. The other, magical eye was rolling around in its socket, taking in the top of Remus' head to his very toes. He suddenly felt very exposed.

Remus attempted to speak, but found that his scream had left him with little voice. Instead, he licked his dry, chapped lips and took deep breaths, as the witch he had seen earlier on the opposite side of the room cleaned his soiled sheets and floor with a flick of her wand. She was close enough that he could see her properly now. She was wearing plain robes, but the familiar crossed wand and bone patch lay proudly on her chest.

The reality began to set in. So, he was injured, that much was painfully obvious, but why in the world was he at St. Mungo's? By all laws of magic, he should be _dead_. Moody and Arthur were looking down on him carefully, and he could tell they were thinking along the same lines. Remus hated that he lay in bed as they stood over him. It made him feel so vulnerable.

_Yet, you deserve this._

He had basically asked to die that night at the warehouse. In fact, he had created the plan based along the lines that he would, indeed, die. A part of him wished he had, just to avoid the formalities of health and visits from those he loved. Mad-Eye and Arthur were exchanging nervous glances. They obviously had no idea what to say, but Remus did not really care. Although he wished they were not there, standing beside him, they were his only chance of getting answers. He swallowed, trying to gain the ability to speak again, and licked his lips.

"What happened?"

It came out as a raspy whisper, and Remus' throat was so dry that it began to hurt. He needed some water. At that very moment, a glass levitated and filled with water from the pitcher on his bedside table, before floating, midair, before him. Remus blinked a few times, before he realized that Molly Weasley, standing quietly in the shadowed corner, had been responsible. Without a second glance at her, he took the glass, drinking quickly and feeling the relief spread through his body. He dared not look up at her; her distance spoke what her words did not. She was disappointed in him. He willed the pang of guilt in his heart away.

Remus had begun to view Molly as some sort of authority figure within the Order, in a way. She had never wasted a beat, scolding Sirius, when he was alive. Sirius, of course, never listened. It was then that Molly would appeal to Remus, who would assure Molly he'd speak to Sirius, but rarely delivered. It had been that way during their time at Hogwarts, as well. Teachers looked upon him to practice discipline over his friends, yet he could never find the courage to do it. Remus was suddenly struck with the irony of how little had changed between the two of them, even after all those years apart.

Well, now things were certainly different, there was no denying that. He couldn't really blame Molly for being disappointed – she had always viewed Remus as somewhat of a confidant. He could listen to her rave for hours on end, without complaining or even making up an excuse to leave. He didn't blame her for thinking he was different than Sirius. The thing she overlooked was that Remus wasn't all that different; he just knew how to restrain himself, for the most part. Remus wished she would stop staring at him.

No one answered his question. Instead, they remained in silence, although, every once in a while, Arthur would peek at Remus nervously, while he had the sneaking suspicion that Moody's magical eye had not once left him. A witch in another room began to scream, "The fish, the fish!" over and over again. Remus allowed himself to focus on the screaming until Arthur cleared his throat.

"So… how are you feeling, Remus?"

Mad-Eye let out a snort and Arthur shrugged sheepishly. Remus actually had to stifle a smile.

"A bit," he gasped, each word bringing on a fresh wave of pain in his ribs, "Under the weather… to be…honest…"

"As expected. You went through quite a lot. What in the world were you _thinking_?"

"Now Moody, do you really think –"

"The man almost got himself killed!"

"_Yes, _but Dumbledore specifically told us to wait until…" he paused, choosing his words carefully, "Later."

"It's all right," Remus replied wearily, "If he's going to…have a go at me, I'd prefer…sooner rather than later."

"I just don't understand what in Merlin's name you were thinking, Lupin," Moody growled, "Could've gotten yourself killed, ruined the Order…" he broke off, shaking his head.

"I – didn't think…it would have any…effect on the Order, Mad-Eye."

"You really think another loss wouldn't hurt us again? You remember what it was like during the first war, Lupin – people dying, ranks breaking… One would think that, after experiencing that, you would have had a bit more _decency_."

"Moody," said Molly harshly from the corner, "It's enough."

The corners of his mouth twitched, but he did not look back at Molly, "You're just lucky _she _was there to save you."

"She? Who…is 'she'?"

"Me," said a tiny voice from the far side of the room. Remus shifted his body so quickly to see her that he almost vomited again. He closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for the feeling to pass, before staring at Tonks. It all made sense now. _She _was what he had seen when he had first awoken – she had been changing her hair color.

Tonks did not stand up, nor did she meet Remus' gaze. Instead, she stared down at her hands, which were entwined on her lap. Remus looked questioningly at Arthur and Mad-Eye.

"She found the notes you left in your room. We're just lucky she had gone looking for you. We wouldn't have gotten there in time, otherwise," snarled Moody.

Remus stole another glance of Tonks as a blush crept upon her pale face. Apparently, she had decided not to go pink _or _blue, and was currently wearing her hair straight, black, and down to her shoulders. She still did not look up.

Remus licked his lips. "I see."

"I was worried when – when you didn't come to dinner."

Remus did not answer.

"I suppose you'd like to know what happened?" asked Mr. Weasley.

"If it's not too much trouble…"

"Of course not," he paused, thoughtfully, "Well, once Tonks found your letter to her, she told Dumbledore and Moody. We found as many members as we could, on such short notice, and went to the warehouse. By the time we got there, you and Bellatrix were pointing wands at each other. Noticing you were cornered, Tonks –"

"With some quick thinking, on her hands –"

"Yes, quick thinking," added Arthur, "Well, Tonks sent a stunner at Macnair, but unfortunately, his spell hit you before she could stop him."

"Startled the bastard, though," Moody added.

"Indeed. He was unable to finish his curse. You were knocked out by his killing curse, but he was not able to get the incantation out completely, and therefore, it could not kill you."

Remus nodded and swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat. He was unable to speak. A part of him felt touched by what Tonks had done, but, on the other hand, he wished she had just let him die. Fortunately, he had little time to dwell upon his feelings about Tonks, at the moment.

"You were told, on several occasions, that it was too risky going there," said Molly suddenly, from the corner of the room.

"…Yes."

"Why'd you go? Could've gotten yourself killed," she muttered, half to herself, "We've all been worried sick."

Again, Remus did not answer. He was at a loss for a suitable response. He doubted they would appreciate if he admitted that he had _wanted _to die.

"Revenge, Molly," said Arthur sadly, "Does wonders to even the most sensible of men."

Remus could tell she was holding her tongue.

Suddenly, the healer returned, bustling about and reminding all of them, with very forced politeness, that visiting hours were over, and, since none of them were related to Remus, they could not stay. Saying hasty goodbyes to Remus and promising he'd be out "in a day or so," Molly and Arthur left the room. Moody and Tonks remained, although Mad-Eye stood at the doorframe.

"Coming, Tonks?" he asked, without turning to face them.

"Just a sec, Mad-Eye."

"All right," he grunted, leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.

Remus tore his eyes from the door and rested them upon Tonks. He was so weary that he felt he could sleep for days, and yet, he was dreading the moment when Tonks would leave. It would be so lonely at St. Mungo's; he was sure of it. He had gotten so used to living in the crowded Order Headquarters that he'd almost forgotten how it felt to be alone. _Almost _forgotten, but not quite. Loneliness had a funny way of lurking, waiting for the perfect moment to settle upon a man once again.

Tonks shifted uncomfortably and Remus focused his attention upon her again. He could tell that she wanted to say something, and, by the way she shuffled in her place, almost tripping over her own feet, he knew she was anxious about it. Was she going to yell at him? She didn't look as if she was going to yell. Besides, he couldn't remember a time when she _had _yelled at him before…

She was biting her lip and staring at the ground now. He could tell she had stopped moving, to keep herself from falling. He cleared his throat, hoping to help her along. Yet, all that did was startle her, causing her to jump and place a hand to her chest.

"Sorry," Remus mumbled, "I didn't mean –"

"No, it's all right, you just startled me - I was being silly. I just wanted to say…" she paused, and bit her lip again, "Well, I just wanted to say that I'm – I'm, err, well…I'm really glad you're all right."

She forced a smile onto her face, but Remus could tell, by the look in her dark brown eyes, that she was anything but relieved.

**A/N: **_Thank you for the great reviews on the previous chapter! I'm glad people are enjoying this fic. :D I'd love it if people could drop a word or two again. Thanks a million to my wonderful, beautiful, siriusful beta, Yen. You rock my socks! TBC…_


	3. The Conversation

**Something Radiates** _– Chapter 3_

_The Conversation_

It had been four days since Remus' release from St. Mungo's, but he had scarcely been seen around Headquarters. Instead, he had taken to spending hours at a time locked up in his bedroom with one of the Blacks' many yellowing books. When desiring a change in surroundings, he adopted Sirius' idea of hiding in Buckbeak's room. Although the hippogriff proved to be a rather impossible conversationalist, time spent with him was less lonely, all the same. Remus could not Disapparate from the house, due to his injuries that were still in the process of healing, but he would rather starve than endure another painful minute of, "All right, Remus?" sympathetic head shakes, and, in particular, the angry tuts issuing from Molly's mouth.

However, hunger proved to finally outweigh Remus' pride and, when it was well past midnight, Remus crept down the stairs, mindful of the sleeping portraits decorating the corridor walls. Just as Remus made to turn the corner, he heard voices and stopped short. He could have sworn he had just heard his name. For once, he was thankful that his animal-like hearing abilities were still at their sensitive point, due to the waning moon. Wedging himself between a cabinet and the wall, he listened, shielded by the dark.

"I don't know," said Arthur in a low voice, "He won't come out of his room –"

"Except to visit the hippogriff," added Molly scornfully.

"Ah yes," he conceded, "But how do you propose we approach him?"

"We don't," Moody replied in a rough voice, "He's a man of pride. Approaching him would just drive him off even more."

"So then we have to wait for him to approach us? How's he going to –"

"SHH!" hissed Molly.

"All right," added Kingsley in his low voice, "Our problem is going to be keeping Remus safe now."

"Suppose so," said Arthur, "If he stays at Headquarters, he'll be safe."

"_If_," Molly emphasized, "We're assuming he _does _stay."

"If we tell him the truth –"

"For heaven's sake, Arthur! You think Death Eaters chasing after Remus is going to be enough to keep him from leaving?" She paused. "It happened to Sirius and it will happen to Remus, as well."

"Molly –"

"I thought he was different – we all did. Thought he could keep his head –"

"We have no right to judge," Kingsley reminded her, "He's lost everyone."

"He has us," said Molly in a quiet voice.

"It's not the same."

"But –"

"Right," Moody interrupted, "Let's get back to the _problem_, shall we?"

Arthur sighed. "Look, of course he'll be upset, but he's – he's a logical man and he will understand. They're going to want _revenge_. He's killed one of Voldemort's most loyal supporters," Molly shushed him, but Arthur went on. "That won't go unnoticed. He can't -"

At that precise moment, a thud coming from the hall, where Remus was hiding, made the group suddenly fall silent, as well as almost startle Remus out of his hiding place. Remus watched the figure lift itself from the ground and turn the corner, but it was not until she spoke that he realized who it was.

"What are you talking about?"

"Remus," said Moody plainly.

"Really?" Tonks asked thoughtfully, "That's odd."

"What's _odd?_"

"Well, it's just that you lot here are discussing Remus, when you could just talk to him directly."

"Well," Moody reminded her, "He hasn't come out of his room, _has he_?"

"Actually," she said squarely, "Remus is just around the corner, over there."

He could almost hear the smug smile on her lips as an awkward silence fell upon the group. One by one, each mumbled hasty excuses to leave and, with a loud "pop," left Tonks alone in the kitchen, sipping tea.

-

When Remus finally dragged himself from his hiding place, he paced his bedroom, pausing only to stare blankly from the second-story window as dawn broke out against the night sky. Swallowing became difficult. So, he had killed Bellatrix. He was not sure how to feel. He supposed feeling satisfied was not completely appropriate, considering the fact that he had killed someone. But, by all rights, he should not have been feeling what he was feeling at that very moment – remorse. How could he feel guilty for the murder of a woman who had tried to kill him? All personal threats aside, though, this woman was the paradigm of evil. She tortured the innocent into insanity, murdered his best friend…

_Sirius_, he reminded himself, _you did this for _Sirius.

The guilt eased, just a bit, at that thought. He had avenged his late friend – something any self-respecting man would have done for his best friend – something Sirius would have done for _him_.

Indeed, he had been questioning her fate ever since the night he had left the hospital. He had not been able to bring himself ask, though, for he did not want to seem at all satisfied by her fate. In a way, he realized bitterly, overhearing that conversation had been an asset, although, he also could not help but feel like a child, being smothered by overprotective adults. Molly was right, though. He was not planning on remaining idle in that murky house. He did not wish to suffer the same fate as Sirius – where only the sweet release of death had freed him of his confines.

Hatred suddenly mingled with guilt, and he felt as if something very heavy had been placed upon his chest. He sat down at the very edge of his bed, closed his eyes, and took in a few deep breaths, counting to ten before letting the air out of his lungs once again. The last thing he needed was to have this looming over his head for the rest of his life, and yet, he did not know how to stop dwelling on all the death and betrayal that had plagued those close to him. Remus was not cut out for war. He would much rather sit in a comfortable chair with a steaming cup of tea and read one of his favorite books. He longed to feel at ease with life once more, but knew that his days of carefree innocence had ended long ago.

Remus was jostled out of his thoughts by a soft tapping on his bedroom door. He sighed. What did they want at _this _hour? He wondered if pretending to be asleep would send whoever was on the other side of the door the message, but, after a moment of silence, the knocking became more insistent. With a groan, he rose from the bed slowly, still aching from his injuries, and opened the door.

He was not really surprised to see Tonks on the other side. In fact, he had been expected her to visit sooner, but, ever since her first hospital visit, she had been careful to avoid any conversation with him that went beyond the formalities of greeting. However, this time, she smiled warmly at him and asked if she could enter his room. Stepping away from the door, Remus allowed her entry and, to be polite, took the tray of steaming tea she had been holding. Tonks sat down on the moldy chair across from his bed. Remus placed the tray carefully on his bed-side table.

"Don't mind yourself, it's got an anti-spilling charm on it." She grinned. "I've learned to always do that the hard way. Spilling hot tea on yourself is anything but fun."

He smiled and nodded politely, sitting down warily on the edge of his bed. She reached over and handed him a cut of tea, as well as some biscuits from a plate on the tray.

"Eat," she commanded, "Don't think for a second I haven't noticed you skipping meals."

He nodded and, at a loss of anything else to do, began to nibble on a biscuit. She smiled at him over her teacup. They drank in silence for a few minutes, studying each other when they thought the other was not watching.

"It's late," Remus said suddenly.

Tonks looked down at her watch. "Actually, it's quite early."

Remus allowed his eyes to stray to her wrist and he smiled a bit. The watch had a hot pink leather band, with a metallic pink face.

_It suits her perfectly, _he decided, amused.

"Very interesting watch."

"Thank you! It was a gift from my dad. Wicked, isn't it?"

"Indeed."

Silence again. Remus stuffed an entire biscuit into his mouth, willing himself not to choke, just to give him something to do, aside from stare at Tonks. He knew she had a particular reason for visiting him, and it was not just to bring him tea. He wished she would just come out and say it.

"So," he asked, rather bitterly, "Here babysitting, then?"

"What?" asked Tonks, surprised.

"It's all right, you can admit it – you've got to look after old Lupin - don't think he can keep his head anymore…"

"Remus –"

"It's all right, Tonks, really," he forced a smile. "I dare say I don't blame you."

"You're cracked Remus. I'm just here to talk."

"You've been avoiding me all week; why come talk now?"

She shifted uncomfortably. "That's not fair Remus. You left me with a lot to think about, that's all."

"So I did," he mused.

"Look, – it's not that I blame you for wanting revenge, but, well – I can't say that the fact that you were willing to die doesn't hurt."

"I suppose it does. I'm sorry, Tonks."

"No, you're not."

He frowned. She was right, of course. He wasn't sorry. She would be better off if he _had _died. They all would have been. No use trying to care for an old werewolf, after all, especially not one that had been hurt so many times.

"Did you mean it?" she asked quietly.

"Mean what?"

"What you said…in that letter."

"That I care for you."

"Yes. That. Did you mean it?"

He paused, thoughtfully. "Yes."

Silence fell upon them again. Remus gulped down his remaining, cooled tea, purposely avoiding her eyes.

"I care about you, too, you know."

He smiled slightly, but did not meet her gaze. She continued:

"We all care about you. It's for your own safety, the precautions."

"Stop."

"But –"

"Just leave it."

"Remus, don't do this."

He raised an eyebrow. "Do what?"

"Push us away."

"I'm not."

"You are. We care about you. _I _care about you…a lot more than you realize," her voice dropped to a whisper, "I can't bear the thought of you…trying to –"

"Tonks."

"What?"

"Good night."

She paused. "What?"

He stood up and opened the door. She seemed confused by his abrupt end of their conversation.

"I said, 'goodnight, Tonks'." It's late – or early – and you should sleep."

She struggled to gain her composure. "Right, well - you know where to find me. Goodnight, Remus!"

She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

Then, she left, closing the door behind her. Remus placed a hand to his cheek and sat down on the bed absently, only realizing, two minutes later, that his cheek was still tingling from her kiss. He dropped his hand from his cheek hastily. He rubbed a pillow against his tingling skin, hoping to forget the feeling of her lips against his cheek, disgusted with himself.

There was _a lot _he would not allow himself to think about today.

_**A/N: **Heh, sorry, I know I'm being slow about this, but, well... I enjoy dragging things out. I guess I'm just annoying like that. ;D Thanks again for the wonderful reviews on the previous chapter. They really made my week. And, as always, much love to my beta, Yen, for being the bestest friend a gal like me could ever have. TBC... _


	4. The Last Assignment

**Something Radiates** _– Chapter 4_

_The Last Assignment_

The next day, Remus begrudgingly joined the group of Order members gathered in the kitchen. They were having breakfast before the end-of-the-week briefing. It was a tradition started by Sirius, who had always insisted on entertaining, in order to do something with his time. Remus supposed that no one had the heart to stop the tradition, just because the man who started it had died. Besides, Molly seemed quite enthusiastic to pick up the responsibility of cooking for fifty.

Remus hadn't really wanted to come down. It was only when he heard voices from his room that he figured that, if he were to continue working in the Order, he might as well at least make an appearance before the meeting began. The last thing he needed was to be accused of being untrustworthy, which they were bound to assume. What other type of person would completely avoid the other members, aside from one with something to hide? It was rather awkward, being around those people again. They, of course, all knew what had happened earlier that week. No one really approached him, and he was almost pleased to keep it that way. He could always ignore the nervous glances coming from the other members, as long as they did not speak to him.

As Remus nibbled on a piece of buttered toast, Tonks stood next to him. For a few minutes, she did not speak or even look at him. She merely leaned against the wall, sipping coffee and staring out at the crowd, occasionally nodding a hello to someone. He wanted to move, but knew she was standing beside him for a reason, and that, if he moved, she would follow anyhow. Instead, he finished his toast and then began to play with a loose thread on his sleeve cuff. Finally, Tonks reached over him to place her coffee mug on the kitchen table, brushing her arm against his chest. She stopped, mid-reach, and blushed slightly, before promptly dropping the mug, porcelain shattering against the kitchen floor.

She gasped. "Oh gosh! Oh no, I'm so sorry!"

He chuckled and performed a mending spell, before picking up the mug and placing on the table, as had originally been intended. Blushing an even deeper shade of pink to rival that of her hair, Tonks stared at her shoes as she spoke.

"Enjoying yourself?"

"Absolutely," he replied sarcastically.

The last of her embarrassment faded as a small smile found her lips. "You know, I just might have a silly idea…"

"Do you now?"

"Yes. It may just be a bit… outlandish… but why don't you, oh, I don't know, _talk to people_?"

He shrugged. "I haven't _not _spoken to anyone. Nobody's spoken to me and therefore I did not reply."

She frowned, slightly confused by his logic. "You could try to start a conversation."

He could not quite hide the bitter tone in his voice. "I could, but why put myself _or_ the innocent bystander into such an _uncomfortable _situation."

"They aren't ignoring you because they're mad, if that's what you think."

"Is that so?"

"They're just afraid that they're going to say something to hurt you, that's all."

His eyes narrowed. "How do you know this?"

"I talk to others," she shrugged. "I hear interesting things, now and again."

He was just about to retaliate when Remus felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and found himself face-to-face with Dumbledore, who greeted him with a genuine smile on his face.

"Remus, it's a pleasure to see you."

"Same to you, sir."

"You're doing better, I gather?"

"Yes, much better, thank you sir."

"Well," he beamed, "It's nice to see you've decided to join us."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, sir," Tonks interjected.

Dumbledore turned to her and his smile grew. "I would not have expected anything less from you, Tonks."

She smiled in return, before turning to Remus and squeezing his hand. He rolled his eyes at her slightly, but could not hide the small smile that formed on his lips. Just then, Bill and Charlie Weasley, who were working locally the next few months, walked up to them, shaking hands and greeting Remus in a manner that was just a tad over-friendly. Remus' smile faded immediately and Dumbledore cleared his throat. For a split second, Remus wondered if the man could sense his discomfort.

"Well, I suggest you take your seats," he warned them, "Because the meeting is just about to begin."

Tonks and Remus nodded, before sitting beside each other at the long wooden table. Miraculously, Dumbledore was able to restore calm and manage to get all the members seated in little over five minutes. He noted with reverence that Dumbledore had a natural gift of drawing obedience from others. Remus had come to view Dumbledore in this light many years before, though. Ever since the man had allowed Remus to attend Hogwarts – before Remus had even met him – Remus knew that Dumbledore was not an ordinary wizard. This revelation had only been fortified over the years, and especially over the past week. Dumbledore had visited Remus only briefly in the hospital, but his clear blue eyes shone with understanding, and had lessened Remus' guilt, just a bit. He knew Dumbledore still trusted him and looked at him in the manner that he always had. In fact, Remus would not have been surprised if Dumbledore had been anticipating Remus' actions all along…

Remus' thoughts were interrupted as the headmaster began to speak. His expression was unreadable, but not at all unfriendly, as he went over the events of the previous week. Nothing major had occurred. A member of the order had been hurt, but was recovering and there was no need to re-tell the story, considering gossip spread quite quickly in the tight environment. Remus blushed as all eyes strayed to his face. They certainly knew the story. Next, Moody rose, and warned them to, as always, be prepared for the worst.

"Constant –"

"Vigilance," Tonks interrupted, "So we've heard."

Most of the Order members tried, with difficulty, to suppress laughter. Moody scowled at her. "You'd better watch yourself, girl –"

"She's right, you know," Bill Weasley interjected, "You're very predictable."

"Yes, and doesn't that make you an easy target?" Tonks asked, "Predictably, I mean."

"No. Now, if you would _like _to leave –"

"Let's get on with this," Snape said loudly, "_Some _of us have better things to do than sit here and listen to the three of you bicker."

"Yeah?" asked Tonks, "Like who?"

Dumbledore rose. "That will be enough."

"Right, _moving on_," Mad-Eye continued, "We don't have much planned for the coming week. Arthur and Kingsley, find out as much as possible about Fudge. If he's going to resign, I want to know about it before _The Prophet _does."

"Right," said Kingsley.

"You've got it," Arthur agreed.

"Good."

"I think you've forgotten one last thing, Alastor," said Dumbledore.

Moody's magical eye surveyed Dumbledore. "Ah, right. The little matter of Harry Potter." At this comment, many people sat upright in their chairs. "He'll be joining us at Headquarters again. We'll need someone to fetch him up tomorrow."

Hands flew up. Remus sighed. He was supposed to be the one to bring Harry, but supposed that privilege had been stripped from him.

"No, no, someone's already got the assignment - Tonks."

Her head snapped up in alarm. "What?"

"You're assigned to get Harry tomorrow. Aren't you paying attention? Or are you busy trying to find another way to undermine my authority?"

She blushed at this comment, before sobering. "But Moody, that's R –"

"Wait!" he growled, "I didn't finish!"

"Oh."

"Tonks, you will _accompany _Remus tomorrow, on his trip to Privet Drive."

Remus gaped at Moody. Was he serious? He was allowed to leave Headquarters and see Harry? Mad-Eye sent a rare smile his way. Remus smiled back.

-

At precisely noon the next day, Tonks and Remus stood outside of the Dursley house, staring up at it with interest. They didn't have much of a plan, Remus realized, although they didn't really need one. Things were much more simple this time than the last time. They would just knock on the door and take Harry away. They no longer needed to move under cover. Everything was out in the open anyway. They were to use a Portkey, made by Dumbledore, in order to return to Headquarters. If anything, the plan was much too simple.

"So… we're just going to… knock?"

"I guess so," he mumbled, "Although we should probably try not to upset the Muggles."

She grinned. "But that's no fun."

"I suppose it isn't, but we're here on business."

"Yes." She straightened dramatically. "Business."

Remus sighed in return and shook his head. "I'm glad we have an understanding. However, perhaps you should do something about, err, your _looks_."

She scowled. "Oh Remus, I'm not going to change my hair! They've seen me like this before, they can handle it."

"Yes, but when we met them at the train station a few weeks ago, we were trying to scare them. If they feel threatened now, they may not let Harry leave…"

"Oh, fine."

Remus watched, transfixed, as Tonks' eyes closed tightly in concentration and the hair on her head turned from short and pink to long and blonde. Her form-changing abilities had always intrigued him. Last year, Tonks had looked very smug indeed when he admitted that, out of all the different witches and wizards he had encountered, he had never met a metamorphmagus before. She noticed him staring and looked away, attempting to hide the blush that crept upon her cheeks.

"Better?"

He smiled as she glared at him. He was struck at how mundane and un-Tonks that hair seemed. It was rather sobering. "Much," he replied, without truly meaning it.

"All right, let's get going then."

She raised a hand to the door and knocked loudly. There was a bit of shuffling from the inside and a muffled voice said, "Get the door, Boy!" A few moments later, the door opened slowly, revealing Harry on the other side. Harry stared, unblinking, as Tonks waived enthusiastically at him. A genuine smile broke out upon the boy's face.

"Hello Harry," said Remus.

"Professor… Tonks…" he stared at the pair of them incredulously. "I didn't expect -"

"Who's at the door, eh?"

Before Harry could walk outside, his uncle came over, pushing Harry out of the way to get a good look at the people on the other side. He froze, as his face turned an angry shade of purple.

"You," he growled at Remus.

"It's nice to see you again, Mr. Dursley," said Remus.

" NOW WAIT, SEE - I HAVEN'T BEEN MISTREATING THE BOY!"

"We know," replied Remus calmly.

"Don't step a foot inside my house or I'll –"

"You'll what?" asked Tonks with a forced kindness.

"I'll –" his voice dropped, "Get away from my house or you'll regret it."

Remus sighed. "Listen, this will only take a moment. All we need is Harry –"

Vernon glared at Harry, at his side, and gripped the collar of his shirt. "I don't think so."

"Really," said Tonks, "Would you like us to use force? Because we will."

A sneer broke out on his face, as he looked Tonks up and down. "_You'll _hurt me? I don't see that happening anytime soon, _dear_."

"Oh, but I _do_," said Tonks, as she pulled her wand out from underneath her robes.

"Tonks…" Remus warned in a harsh whisper.

She gave him an assuring look before turning back to Dursley.

"All right, all right! Take the goddamn boy! Makes things easier on me, anyhow. Never wanted him in the first place –" Vernon began to walk away from the door. "BUT DON'T THINK OF COMING INTO THIS HOUSE!"

Remus stopped at the threshold he was about to cross. Instead, he turned his head to the right where Harry was watching anxiously. "Right, Harry, we'll wait out here. Pack up all your things and meet us outside as quickly as possible."

Harry grinned at the pair of them, before speeding up the stairs. Remus stared after Harry for a few moments, before he heard Tonks' content sigh and turned toward her.

"I love when he smiles like that. Makes you forget how horrible this war is, especially for him."

Remus did not reply. He agreed, but it was too painful to admit this.

A few minutes passed, before the sound of something heavy banging down the stairs filled their ears. As Vernon harshly scolded Harry for making too much noise, Harry opened the door and practically ran out of the house. Remus dragged his trunk, as Tonks carried Hedwig's cage down the house's path.

"Right," she told Harry, "You just take hold of the Portkey. We'll handle your things."

"All right."

With a nod in Remus' direction, Harry touched the charmed hanger that Remus held out to him. Remus smiled at Harry until he disappeared from view. Once he was gone, Remus paused for a few moments, breathing the air in deeply. It was a beautiful summer day, he mused, almost longingly.

"You coming?" asked Tonks, holding the Portkey out toward him.

Remus blinked a few times. He had forgotten she was still there. "Yes, of course. Sorry, just got…distracted."

Remus took hold of the Portkey and, as his feet hit the Headquarters' floor, he wondered when he would ever step foot outside again.

**_A/N:_**_ Thanks for the lovely reviews! I really appreciate them, especially the detailed ones. Reviews are the most helpful tools out there. :) I've been trying to update every Saturday, but, unfortunately, I was unable to do anything this weekend. You have my teachers and the SAT's to blame for that. Ah, speaking of which – yes, I am American, so I apologize (see?) for the many Americanisms that have, undoubtedly, found their way into my writing. As always, thanks to my wonderful beta, **Yen**. I hope this chapter is satisfactory. TBC… _


	5. Reconciliation

**Something Radiates** _– Chapter 5_

_Reconciliation_

Remus rubbed his eyes before he closed the large book he had been reading for the past three hours. He stood, chair legs scratching against the wooden floor, stretched, and yawned hugely, before glancing at the clock in the former Black study. It was early evening, but dinner would not be served for another two hours, and he was surprisingly hungry. Slowly, he made his way toward the kitchen, expecting it to be empty so he could sneak some food. However, he stopped abruptly when he saw Harry sitting on a chair at the table, as Molly hovered over him, cutting his hair. They both looked up upon Remus' entrance.

"Hello Harry, Molly. I've just come to grab a bite to eat."

Molly resumed working on Harry's hair. "Dinner's in a few hours."

"Yes, I'm well aware of this, but I thought I'd just grab a slice of bread…"

"All right."

As Remus cut off a slack of bread from the loaf, he studied Harry and Molly out of the corner of his eye. She was furiously avoiding him, but he was not the least bit surprised. They hadn't been alone since that night at the warehouse, and he was fairly sure that this was not merely coincidental. On the other hand, Remus felt relived that Molly wouldn't be asking to give him a haircut. Although he was not a fan of long hair, he certainly did not want to enlist Molly Weasley to cut his hair; she gave short hair a whole new meaning. However, Harry didn't seem too bothered by this. In fact, he seemed rather pleased by the attention, which struck Remus as odd, considering the large lock of hair that she now held firmly in her hand. Then again, if Harry's hair was anything like James' was, it would grow back while he slept.

As he watched Harry, Remus allowed himself to think of James – a guilty pleasure that bound Harry to the memory of his father. Nonetheless, Remus lost himself in memories of cheering crowds at quidditch games and James' unruly hair flying haphazardly about his head. Just as he remembered how James would punch his arm when excited, Harry's voice roused him from his thoughts. Remus blinked a few times, gathering himself, before focusing on Harry.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"I just wanted to know if you were all right."

"Of course I am, Harry."

"Well, you just looked a bit – out of it."

Remus thought he heard Molly click her tongue, but when he looked up, she did not seem to be paying their conversation the least bit of attention. He licked his lips nervously, before refocusing again on Harry.

"Yes, I've been a bit tired, actually. Working all day, you know how it is. I'm just going to –"

Before Remus could finish his sentence, the unmistakable sounds of someone arriving by Floo filled the kitchen. All eyes fell upon the fireplace, as Arthur Weasley clambered out of it, quickly followed by George, Fred, Ginny, and, at last, Ron. Ron coughed and struggled to escape the small fireplace, before straightening and brushing off his robes. Harry was standing now, a huge smile dancing on his face. Ron looked up sharply, before smiling back at him.

"Harry!"

"Hey Ron," Harry replied avidly, "Thanks for all the letters, they were really great."

"Nah, I had no idea what to write ab –"

"That's okay."

Molly cleared her throat. "Why don't you kids go up and get settled in your rooms, hmm?"

Harry's grin grew. "You're staying here then?"

"Of course! Couldn't let you suffer in this rotten place alone, could we?" asked Fred.

"Certainly not," George agreed, before beginning to walk toward the stairs.

Remus watched as the rest of the children followed, before moving to do the same. However he had barely escaped from the kitchen when Arthur placed a hand on his shoulder. Remus froze in his place.

"Can I speak with you for a moment?" Arthur muttered.

"Of course," replied Remus, feeling a distinct fluttering in the stomach. "What's wrong? Is someone hurt?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just, well – " he sighed and nodded toward the kitchen, where Molly was cleaning up the remnants of Harry's earlier haircut. "She's been a bit – upset… lately."

"Has she?" answered Remus tightly.

"I know this must be hard for you – she's not being fair."

He sighed, relenting. "No, I understand."

Arthur shook his head. "Honestly, she gets like this from time to time. I'm sure if you just talked to her… maybe just told her how you were feeling – only if you're comfortable with that, of course – she'll understand. She really cares about you, Remus."

"And I appreciate it, but I'm just trying to give her space. I'm not expecting any miracles here, Arthur."

"Of course you're not. She's just – this has got her really upset."

"Oh…"

"I just thought maybe… it would help…"

Remus contemplated this for a moment. Although he did not particularly look forward to being honest with Molly, she did seem truly anguished. If anything, confronting their problem would at least allow her to say whatever she was feeling up front, instead of making offhand comments at the most unexpected times, often leaving him stunned.

"Well… things couldn't get any worse between us, could they?"

Arthur grinned. "That's the spirit!"

-

Remus allowed himself a few minutes to prepare for the inevitable. It was silly to be nervous. After all, he and Molly had shared feelings and comforted each other before.

_Well, that isn't completely true, _he reminded himself.

He had comforted Molly often, over the past year. He had been her shoulder to cry on when she had dealt with that boggart last summer, and whenever she felt particularly afraid for Harry, Ron, or anyone else close to her. But when had _he _admitted his own feelings to her? It wasn't particularly a fair friendship, he realized, but that's how most of his friendships were. He felt the familiar guilt overwhelm him, as he entered the kitchen with heavy feet.

At first, Molly did not notice him. She was cooking dinner and humming an undistinguishable tune under her breath, as Remus watched her. It made little sense to him but, at that moment, he felt almost envious of the woman. Remus had struggled for a good part of his adult life to feel passionate about _anything, _and here she was, enthusiastically cooking a meal fit for a feast. The irony of the situation was beyond fathomable. He struggled to focus on his task.

Molly finally noticed Remus standing there and ceased to hum. Instead, her eyes bore into his as they stood facing each other in silence. Remus realized this had become a competition, the loser being the one who spoke first. He swallowed, knowing fully well that this was not his battle to win.

"Hello, Molly."

"Remus," she replied shortly, before returning to her cooking.

He shifted in his spot. His lungs felt uncomfortably tight. He had never been particularly gifted in sharing his feelings, but he knew that was the only possible way to get Molly to forgive him.

"Molly, I think we need to talk."

With a flick of her wand, Molly set a large pot on the stove, before wiping her hands on her apron and turning toward Remus. She seemed to have calmed down some, and she now only regarded him with mild suspicion. __

"All right."

He sighed and ran his hands through his graying hair. "I'm aware things have been a bit – strained – between the two of us lately."

"If you say so."

"Yes, well, I want you to know I feel horrible."

"That things are strained between us?"

"Yes."

"All right."

Molly turned back toward her cooking and, with a flick of her wand, began chopping vegetables. This was going to be harder than he had originally thought. If Molly didn't come out and express her feelings headfirst, it was obvious that she was truly upset. He had only seen her hold her tongue like this once before, and that was concerning the twins and their unexpected flight from Hogwarts a few months ago.

"Molly?"

"Yes, Remus?" she replied evenly, not removing her eyes from the vegetables.

"Would you like to yell at me?"

He cringed. That sounded daft. _Too late now._

At this, she turned her head to face him, staring incredulously. "Is that really how you see me, as one who can only express her feelings through anger?"

"What? No, of course not. You just seem… upset."

"Upset, yes."

"But you're not angry?"

"Well… angry is a relative term."

"Excuse me?"

"After all, how could I, in good conscious, be angry with you for trying to get yourself killed?"

A strange silence filled the room. She had finally come out and said what they had both known was the problem between them. He decided this was not a question for him to answer, so he just stared curiously at her. She seemed to be contemplating the answer, but she never spoke. Instead, she turned her attention to the stove, muttering about almost burning the dinner.

"Why couldn't you be angry with me?"

She smiled ruefully at him. He was playing with fire.

"If you want to die, Remus, it isn't my concern."

Remus felt as if she had just slapped him across the face. That was harsh, even for Molly.

"You're right. In my defense, I wasn't thinking straight."

"That's your defense?" Molly replied, amused. "Pretty weak, if you ask me."

"Look, I don't think I have to re-tell my life's story, do I? You know the basic outline – six year old boy gets bitten by a werewolf and is rejected by peers and feared by parents; boy grows up, finds people who truly care about him and aren't afraid, and then he loses them, too; man no longer has anything to live for, aside from life itself."

"And that isn't enough?"

"Have you ever lived just because that's what you thought you had to do? Your life revolves around your family, Molly; I don't have any family to live for."

"That's not fair, Remus. We're your family and you _know _it."

"I suppose so."

"You suppose? Remus, there are people in this house who would _die _for you. Isn't that enough?"

"I don't want anyone to die for me!"

A shadow of a smile passed over her lips. "You don't really have a choice in the matter, do you?"

"It's not the same – I couldn't – I had to –"

"Get revenge."

"Yes."

"You knew the risks, Remus. It was suicide."

He paused. "Yes."

"Well, there you have it. It hurt me, but it also isn't so horrible _for me _that you almost died, Remus. Of course I care about you, but I also care about Harry. I thought you did, too."

Remus sighed. "I wasn't doing Harry any good before… but avenging Sirius – he would've liked me to –"

"Maybe at the time, yes. But what about when he grows up and doesn't have you there? Whether or not you realize this, Remus, you are his role model!"

"I hardly –"

"If you just opened your eyes, you would see how much we all care about you!"

Remus plopped down on the wooden chair. "I wasn't aware."

There were tears streaming down Molly's cheeks. "Do you know what it felt like when I saw Tonks clutching your letter while you were in St. Mungo's? Poor girl, blamed herself – thought she should have kept a closer eye on you," she paused. "We were all so worried – didn't know if you'd survive - it was tearing us apart. When one member goes down, we all lose so much! You saw it with Sirius!"

He looked down at his entwined hands, resting on the table. "You're right."

"Remus, you were thinking with your heart and that's good. You need to do it more often. I'd like to believe the rational side of you would not have gone to that warehouse. But you have to let some of your logic slip into these decisions, as well. You tend to choose one extreme or the other, but there's _a balance_."

Remus nodded, feeling weighed down by his humiliation. It wasn't often he thought with his heart and this was the exact reason why he didn't.

"If it helps," Molly added quietly, "It's just like something Sirius would have done."

He swallowed painfully. "I know. That's – that's…why I did it." He chuckled bitterly. "Looks like I'm suffering the same fate, aren't I? Being locked up in this place…"

Molly took his hand in hers. "I understand, but remember, Remus - when you make a decision, you're not just making it for yourself – you're making it for _all _of us."

Remus bit his lip and nodded, holding back tears. He felt horribly exposed.

"You should tell Harry what happened. He has a right to know."

He gaped at Molly for a moment. She had, after all, spent much of the previous months trying to shield Harry from all harmful news. However, she had a serious look set in her eyes and all Remus could do was nod in agreement. He had been planning on telling Harry, anyhow.

"I hope you forgive me for saying those harsh things about you earlier –"

"Of course."

Molly grinned and he forced a smile in return, before she embraced him tightly.

"Tomorrow," she whispered in his ear, "I'm going to give _you _a haircut."

He suppressed a groan. "That's very generous, thank you."

-

After dinner, Remus found himself in the unanticipated position of being alone with Harry. He hadn't expected it to happen so soon, and yet, there they both were, feeding Buckbeak in silence. He decided that he might as well talk to Harry now – no use putting off the inevitable. Remus cleared his throat, as Harry turned his attention from the hippogriff he had been stroking.

"Harry, how have you been?"

"All right," he replied tightly.

Remus laughed then, soliciting a bewildered look from Harry. Even Buckbeak had begun to watch with mild with interest. "Of course, it's been horrible. What was I thinking?"

"That's all right," Harry replied warily, "It's over now."

"Very true. I suppose I should rephrase the question: how have things been so far _today_?"

Harry smiled then. "They've been pretty good. It's a bit weird being here after… you know…" he kicked at the ground as he stared down intently.

Remus had not been expecting Harry to bring the topic of Sirius up for discussion, but it made beginning his confession easier. "Yes, unfortunately, I do know. Actually, in regards to that, I have something to tell you –"

However, before he could finish, the door to the former bedroom swung open, hitting the wall with a loud bang. Both Remus and Harry turned, startled, and pulled their wands out, but the wands were quickly forgotten as Tonks ran in, wide-eyed and breathless.

"Tonks? What the hell –?"

"There's been a Death Eater attack!"

**_A/N_**_: Apologies for a) the lack of updates b) the lack of R/T in this chapter. That's just the way life is, kids. ;) Thank you for all the great reviews. They've really helped me put writing this fanfic into perspective, and I've honestly put many of your suggestions into use. It's nice to know what I'm doing right (or wrong!) so I can do more (or less!) of it in the future. Last, but certainly not least, as always, thanks to Mrs. Yen Beta, my lawfully wedded huswife, for her mad beta'ing skilz. I hope you all enjoyed your Halloween! (My costume is of a loser sitting at home, doing a Spanish project, and listening to The Killers' CD over and over again, hooray.) _


	6. Open Hearts

**Something Radiates **_– Chapter 6_

_Open Hearts_

Remus paused for a moment. "What?"

"There was a Death Eater attack, come _on_!"

"What? Who?" She began to pull at his arm. "Where are we going?"

"Meeting. Now!"

Remus didn't budge. "What happened?"

"I CAN'T TELL YOU, SO JUST MOVE YOUR -!"

He raised his hands defensively. "All right, Tonks, I'm coming." He turned to Harry. "I'll let you know what happened as soon as I find out, okay?"

"Yeah, all right," Harry replied, rather gloomily.

Remus tried to say something else to Harry, but couldn't because Tonks was tugging unyieldingly on his arm. Instead, he shot Harry what he hoped to be a reassuring smile, before fumbling to keep up with Tonks. By the time they arrived in the kitchen, Remus was panting from running the length of the large house. Tonks, on the other hand, seemed undisturbed by the dash, and began to stare blankly out of the window. One by one, Order members Apparated and Flooed into the room, each looking around with concerned faces. No one seemed to know more than he did. Following Mad-Eye's orders, they waited in silence for Dumbledore to appear.

The minutes crept by slowly, until Remus thought he was going to explode with anxiety. Who had been killed? He hated this part – the waiting; it was almost worse than knowing. He had waiting just like this so many times in the past, yet it never got any easier. He ventured a look at Tonks, wondering if she knew anything more that she had let on, but she continued to merely stare out the window. Where was Dumbledore? As if on cue, Fawkes flew into the kitchen, with Dumbledore hanging onto his tail feathers, breaking the silence and causing Remus to almost jump with fright. The professor let go of the phoenix and landed gracefully on the ground in front of the unnaturally quiet crowd. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before addressing them:

"As all of you have heard, there has been a Death Eater attack. It is with this news that I regret to inform you that Hestia Jones has been murdered today." A murmur came forth from the crowd, but was silenced immediately when Dumbledore raised a hand. "She and a friend of hers were going to lunch at the Three Broomsticks, but were ambushed before they were able to enter." At this, angry cries erupted from the group.

"But why weren't we notified?!" Emmeline Vance demanded.

"There was no point. She had been taken by surprise. By the time I found out, she was already dead."

"Why would they do this?" Molly wondered aloud. "It was in a public place, people saw!"

"They have no need to be secretive anymore, after the events of this past June transpired. Although it is difficult to accept, this is war, and the Death Eaters have little concern about what is just and what is not."

"What do you think motivated them to attack?" Kingsley asked.

"Many ideas come to mind, Mr. Shacklebolt," Dumbeldore replied thoughtfully, "But right now, my guess would be that they are trying to scare us. If they kill us off, one by one, they assume that, eventually, they will succeed in breaking us completely."

"Will this change anything?" Remus asked quietly, thoughts of the last war swimming in his head.

Dumbledore sighed. "I'm afraid so. I have to ask that no one go _anywhere _public without at least one other member with you at all times." People began to protest, but the weary professor raised a hand and silence fell once again. "There will no room for discussion. Failure to do so will result in suspension from the Order."

"But –" Charlie began.

"That is final." He paused. "Well, if no else has any questions or comments, I must go. There are still many details to be worked out. I shall inform each and every one of you of any developments as soon as they come to my attention."

Slowly, people began to filter out of Headquarters, muttering to each other. No one wanted to stay and chat – that was for happier occasions. There would be little chance for chatting anymore, Remus realized sadly. Remus turned to leave, but stopped when he saw Tonks standing by the kitchen window, still gazing blankly out the window. He struggled for a moment with conflicting feelings. He really wanted to go upstairs and update Harry about what had happened – it wasn't fair to leave the boy with just the small amount of information he had received from Tonks a half an hour ago. On the other hand, Tonks was his friend and needed comforting. He bit his lip and stared at the green-haired woman for a moment, before making up his mind.

Harry could handle a few more minutes of waiting.

Besides, Tonks looked so sad. He had never seen her like that before and, frankly, it worried him. Taking a deep breath, he justified his actions even further by remembering the many times she had been there for him in the past, before approaching her. At first, he stood an arm's length behind her. In fact, the only indication that she knew he was there was the way her body stiffened slightly, but she didn't move. He was still for a few minutes, mimicking her gaze out the window. How could he start the conversation?

_Well, I guess saying 'hello' would_ _be helpful…_

"Hello, Tonks."

_There; now it's her turn. _

He had a sinking feeling that it wouldn't work that way.

"Hi," she answered absently, eyes never straying from the window.

He had hit a wall already, and they were hardly in a conversation. It felt weird. She was always the one to comfort him and now he didn't know how to go about it. Sure, he had comforted other people before – Sirius, Harry, Molly – but Tonks was different, somehow.

_No, she's not different_. _She's just like any other friend._

_But is she, really? I had told her, in that letter, that I cared about her more than anyone else, hadn't I? Then again, I never thought I'd seen her again…_

He cleared his throat. Contemplating how he felt about Tonks wasn't helping at all. There would be plenty of time to do that later, especially considering the fact that he would be stuck in Headquarters for an indefinite amount of time. Of course, so would she…

_So?_

So, he had to make sure she was okay. She was supposed to be the one to cheer him up – it wouldn't do either of them well to both be gloomy later on. With that thought, Remus decided it would be best to stop contemplating and just talk to her. She was waiting for him to speak, just as he was waiting for himself to do the same. Plus, all those irrational thoughts were baffling him, and Remus always liked to understand everything.

_No more thinking._

"Are you okay?"

She didn't turn around. "Of course I am."

"Right. I would understand if you weren't, though."

She turned around sharply and her eyes met his, challenging. "Why shouldn't I be?"

"Well… I suppose you're a bit shaken up about Hestia."

She let out a snort. "No. Well, I mean – I…" she blushed. "I feel bad, but – I'm not – sha – shaken up."

"I see."

She sighed audibly and turned away from him again. "Stop being condescending."

"What?"

"You think just because you've been in the Order before –"

"Well, I have been…"

"It means you know exactly how it feels to realize you could be the one –"

"Well, I do."

"Next, I suppose you're going to tell me, 'This is war, Nymphadora…'"

"Well, it _is _war… Tonks," he added.

"I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS A BLOODY WAR!" He flinched, but she continued, unabashed. "I DON'T CARE IF THE DEATH EATERS ARE MURDERERS OR WHAT, IT JUST DOESN'T – IT JUST ISN'T – I JUST DON'T –"

Tonks let out a strangled sob and sunk to her knees. Remus immediately squatted behind her, wrapping his arms around her small frame, as she sobbed into her hands. He remained silent as she cried, every once in a while swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat. Seeing her cry like that wasn't normal for him. He realized then that he had taken advantage of the fact that Tonks was always perky and optimistic. Everyone had a breaking point, and the fact that she broke down in front of him voiced all that she had been trying to tell him for the past few weeks. She trusted and cared about him indefinitely.

He felt guilty again.

He felt guilty for almost leaving her and for underestimating her, but most of all, he felt guilty for overlooking the fact that she had suffered, too.

Sometimes, it was hard for him to remember that he was not the only one who felt pain.

Her sobs subsided a bit, so Remus pulled her closer to him and kissed the top of her head, before letting go. She turned around, wiping her face with a sleeve of her robe, and smiled shyly at him. He smiled back at her, reaching out to caress a rosy cheek. She hiccupped and closed her eyes tightly.

"I'm sorry, Remus."

"There's nothing to be sorry about."

"I'm a wreck –"

"You've seen far worse from me." She shook her head at that comment, but didn't say anything else. "It's starting," he stated, after a moment of silence.

She opened her eyes – green today, to match her hair, Remus presumed – and looked at him questioningly.

"The war."

"I don't know where you've been Remus, but we've been in this bloody war for months."

"No, we haven't – not really. I know you don't want to hear it, but I _have _been here before and I know –"

"This is only the beginning."

"Yes."

Silence fell again. They locked eyes and Tonks bit her lip, before turning away.

"Tell me about it."

"What?"

"Tell me about the war – last time – tell me about the worst."

"Tonks, I don't really think that's the best –"

"_Please_. I want to know… to prepare myself…" She paused. "I wasn't close with her, but Hestia wasn't much older than me. It made me realize that it could've been me. It _could _be me soon. I never realized the stakes were so high…"

He surveyed her closely, and, upon seeing the sincerity on her face, began. "Well, it was bad – worse than it is now, if you can even imagine. By the time I had joined up with the Order, the worst was happening… people dying everyday… not knowing whether you'd come home alive or not, even when you weren't in battle…"

"Like Hestia?" she asked quietly.

"You could say that. Then again, most people didn't risk going out to casual lunches, shopping, or – much else, for that matter."

"Must've been a dull time."

Remus chuckled. "I guess…" He paused. "It's the worst way to go, you know."

"What is?"

"A surprise attack."

Tonks stared for a moment, shocked. "Really?"

"Yes. You don't even get a chance to fight back before – well, I suppose I wouldn't know, not exactly, but –" He cleared his throat. "It's almost happened to me before."

She gasped and moved closer to him. "Really?"

"Yes, I mean, obviously it wasn't too terrible because, well, I'm here to tell the story." He smiled briefly. "But Sirius and I had decided to get some drinks. Stupid, really - like I said, most people didn't go out normally, but, well, it was Sirius… and me," he added, "I'm not much better."

She moved closer to him. "I think you are," she whispered.

He could feel her warm breath graze his skin as goosepimples broke out over his body. His own breath caught in his lungs, as she steadily moved closer. Unconsciously, he moved closer as well, heart pounding unceremoniously against his chest. All of the sudden, it struck him that he had wanted this to happen ever since he first met Tonks, over a year ago. For some reason, that thought made him nervous. He wanted to run, but some invisible force trapped him. He licked his lips and realized they were dry. He was so nervous. This was Tonks, after all… his friend, Tonks; Sirius' cousin, Tonks; but it was also the Tonks across from him, staring at him with raw emotion in her eyes…

Her lips were on his and all other thoughts faded away. His arms snaked around her waist, pulling her closer, as the kiss intensified. He was desperate to touch her, to taste her, to be as close as he possibly could to her, and, just then, he opened his heart to her completely. As she ran her hands through his hair, bringing him even closer, he knew she had done the same.

But then she pulled away. He studied her curiously, heart pounding in his chest. Was she angry? Was she sad? Was he? Tears spilled from her eyes.

"Merlin, I'm so sorry, Remus!" she squeaked.

She proceeded to hastily run out of the room, managing to only trip once, leaving a stunned Remus gaping at her retreating form.

**_A/N_**_: :)! Thanks for the lovely reviews – my greatest asset. As always, love to Yen, for her beta skills. If all goes according to plan, I'll post another chapter by the beginning of next week. I hope you're all still enjoying this series. _


	7. Truths

**Something Radiates** _– Chapter 7_

_Truths_

The night had been an especially difficult one for Remus. He had spent most of the hours pacing the length of his bedroom, confused by conflicting feelings. He had kissed Nymphadora Tonks just a few hours before. Not only that, but he had _wanted _to kiss her. And then she'd left before they could even discuss what happened. He didn't know what he'd wanted to happen, though. While he hadn't envisioned her running away from him without another word, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that if she hadn't left, he probably would have. He wasn't looking for a relationship, and he would never use Tonks in any way. But he was confused because, initially, her actions had hurt him. If he had really wanted nothing to happen, why did he felt so terrible about the whole ordeal?

And so, he spent the entire night contemplating these viewpoints – creating and disproving theories in his mind – before finally falling asleep at daybreak. When he woke, he felt unrested and disoriented. He sat up in the large bed, taking a deep breath of musky air, before glancing out the window. The sun was sparkling brightly off the top of one of the neighboring houses, and Remus quickly swung his feet over the edge of the bed. He glanced at his watch, which lay on the bedside table, before hastily attaching the cracked leather band around his wrist. Without hesitation, Remus performed a cleaning spell on himself, vowing to take a real bath later, and pulled his shabby robes over his muggle jumper and pants. It seemed impossible, but he had slept until late morning. This was quite a difference for the man who normally woke with the rising of the sun, and he felt oddly threatened by the amount of time he had slept away.

He quickly headed down the stairs, holding onto the railing for support, and turned the corner to arrive in the kitchen. He was greeted by Molly, who was smiling widely at him as she performed a heating spell on some leftover breakfast before handing it to him without a word. Once he began to eat, however, Molly sat down beside him. He turned to her and raised his eyebrows as she watched him curiously.

"I was surprised that you didn't show up for breakfast. You had a lie in, then?"

"Yes, I was quite tired. Had some trouble falling asleep last night."

She nodded solemnly. "I think that's been going around a lot here lately."

"Unfortunately."

Molly returned to cleaning, while Remus ate the remains of his breakfast, despite the fact that he was not the least bit hungry. As Molly began to hum an unrecognizable tune under her breath, he wondered why he had even bothered waking up. The more he thought of it, the less justification he found. After all, he couldn't even leave the house! In fact, by the time he had finished eating, he was just about to return to bed, when he heard a crack of someone Apparating to the kitchen.

"Molly, I –"

Tonks faltered momentarily when she saw Remus sitting at the kitchen table, watching her intently. She stared back at him for a few moments, chest rising and falling erratically with each passing moment.

"Yes, dear?" Molly prodded, looking from Tonks to Remus and back again with unbridled interest.

"Oh…" She blushed. "Sorry, I just – got distracted. Right, I just wanted to let you know that Mad-Eye and Dumbledore are both going to be staying for dinner tonight."

"Really?" Molly exclaimed, "That's wonderful!" She paused. "Do you know what? I think I'll invite _all _the Order members over… have a nice, large dinner. What do you two say?"

"Sounds wonderful, Molly," Remus replied with as much enthusiasm as he could possibly muster in the current situation.

"Agreed."

An awkward silence filled the room, as Molly returned to studying them both intently. Remus was just about to clear his throat and announce his parting, when Tonks hastily said goodbye and Disapperated from the room. A few quiet moments passed, before Molly turned to him with raised eyebrows.

"Now what was _that _all about?"

"Nothing," he muttered, "Just a bit of a misunderstanding."

"Right," she replied, but thankfully withheld from asking any more details.

-

The hours passed slowly in the former Black residence. Most of the time, the house was completely silent, aside from Remus in the study, the kids doing summer homework upstairs in the boys' bedroom, and Molly cooking in the kitchen. Order members dropped by all day to keep him and Molly updated, but none stayed for more than ten minutes at a time. Remus scratched out a line of notes he had written on a piece of parchment, before throwing down the quill. He wasn't able to concentrate very well today. He was exhausted and, although he had began to work in order to take his mind off of what was bothering him, he could not stop thinking about the previous night.

Admitting defeat, Remus rose carefully from the hard-backed chair at the old desk, and wandered into the kitchen, drawn by the fragrance of cooking. As expected, Molly was looking a tad frantic, preparing a feast built for a large army. It seemed a bit odd to him that she would get so worked up over a dinner that _she'd _insisted on having, but he supposed it always worked out well for her in the end, when the guests groaned and complained of overly full stomachs. However, at the moment, she looked about ready to hex the next thing to disturb her from her cooking. Somewhat bravely, Remus kept his ground and waited for her to notice his presence in the room. After a minute, she looked up from the knives she had charmed to dice the onions.

"Can I help you, Remus?"

"No, thank you. Actually, I've come to ask if _you_ needed some help…"

She wiped her hands on her apron. "Oh… well, yes, that'd be nice… yes."

"Great, what can I do?"

"Well, you can begin by cutting up the rest of these vegetables." She motioned to the plates of carrots, celery, and potatoes on the counter in front of her. "I _do _hope you're better at that than Sirius was!" Remus did not reply and, upon realizing what she had said, she covered her mouth abruptly. "Oh Remus, I'm sorry –"

"No, don't be sorry. I agree." He forced a smile upon his face. "Sirius was absolute rubbish in the kitchen." Molly smiled uncomfortably and nodded, as she nervously studied him. "Well then, let's get to work, shall we?"

"Of course, Remus," she replied, tearing her eyes from him.

Remus searched in the crowded cutlery drawer for three knives, and assigned each a vegetable to chop. He watched as the knives rose and fell for a while. The only sound in the kitchen was the clunking of steel against the table, as the two of them chopped the vegetables in silence. As the minutes progressed, Molly began to assign more jobs to Remus, convinced of his competence in the kitchen. As he stirred the contents of the stew, his mind had become blissfully blank. That is, until Molly cleared her throat.

"I was just wondering… is everything all right between you and Tonks?"

Unconsciously, Remus ceased to stir for a few moments. Upon realizing this, he cursed inwardly and began stirring again. "Yes, everything's fine."

"Well, if you're fighting, I thought maybe you'd like to talk about it."

"We're not fighting."

"Before you said there was a misunderstanding…"

"Yes."

"Well, what about? Maybe I can help."

He smiled slightly. "That's quite all right, Molly. I don't believe you can help." She began to speak, but he continued. "It will all work out in the morning."

"Well, I do hope things smooth over. It'd be a pity to have you two angry with one another."

"Why's that?" replied Remus, a bit defensively.

"It's just that you two seem close, that's all."

"Yes," he replied wearily, rubbing his eyes, "I guess you could say that. I believe the stew is ready, Molly."

"Oh," she replied, startled by his abrupt change of topic.

"I'll put on a heating spell."

"Great." She hesitated, about to say something else, but stopped. "Thank you, dear."

He nodded. "I'll be up in my room, if you need me."

Before she could say anything else, Remus was gone.

-

The next thing Remus knew, a pounding on his bedroom door roused him from sleep. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. Removing the book he had placed facedown on his stomach before falling asleep, he rose from the bed and studied himself in the mirror. He looked as well as he could possibly, three days from the full moon – a bit tired, but that was certainly nothing new for him. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and was shocked to see Mad-Eye standing outside.

"Dinner's ready, everyone's downstairs," said Moody, before turning away.

Remus nodded, although he immediately felt foolish for nodding when the man had turned away. He licked his dry lips and crossed the threshold, pulling the door closed behind him as it squeaked on its hinges. Remus began to follow Moody through the corridor, but stopped hastily as the aging man turned to face him.

"Lupin..."

"Yes?"

Mad-Eye paused, observing him. "Don't do anything stupid."

"Of course not…"

Moody studied Remus for a few more moments before shaking his head and continuing down the hall. Remus stared after the man for a minute, brow furrowed, wondering what could have possibly encouraged him to make that comment, before beginning down the stairs. As he turned the corner to the kitchen, he could hear the voices of the people within and suddenly was overwhelmed by a desire to leave. Ignoring this, he stepped inside the overly crowded room and looked around. His eyes immediately found Tonks', and his heart began to race. He had no idea how he should approach her – if he _were _to approach her – and didn't know how he would react if she approached him first. He was about to turn around and leave, when Arthur's voice rang through the room.

"Hello, Remus!"

Remus inwardly cringed, knowing that he certainly could not leave, now that he was spotted. He steadied himself by taking a deep breath, before approaching Arthur, Kinglsey, and none other than Tonks, who had been sitting beside them. Remus nodded to all three of them, although he was frustrated to see that his gaze unconsciously remained on Tonks the longest. He couldn't help but notice how she seemed anxious not to meet his eye.

"We were just discussing the candidates for the new Minister of Magic," explained Arthur.

"It's been formally announced?"

"Well, no, but Tonks and Kingsley have a good idea…"

"Really?" he asked, looking up at Kingsley.

"Yes, well there are quite a few people hoping for the job," he replied in his deep voice, "But we think that Amos Diggory has the best chance, right now."

"Really?" he asked, mildly surprised. Remus hadn't expected Amos to step up, but considering what happened to his son, it didn't seem all that obscure. "Aren't people afraid that his, err, _personal _history with Voldemort and his followers might make him a tad risky?"

"Maybe it'll make him even better for the job. He has a reason to take them down," said Tonks defensively. "Showing emotion doesn't always cloud ones judgment, you know."

"Of course not," said Remus, "But you must admit, once in a while, it might make people do things that they regret after it's over."

She glared at Remus for a few moments, biting her lip. He supposed she was trying not to admit whatever it was she wanted to say to him. "Perhaps," she finally conceded, although she was still glaring at him. "I'm going to use the loo, excuse me."

Remus watched her retreating form, faintly aware of Kingsley saying, 'women,' as he and Arthur both chuckled, before resuming their conversation. However, he no longer felt any desire to include himself, and he slowly sifted into the crowd. He poured himself a glass of firewhisky and began to think about Tonks' strange words. Why was she mad at him? She was the one who left him standing there…

Remus was drawn from his thoughts when hhe felt something pull at his robes. He turned around, and raised his eyebrows at Ron, who looked terrified at the fact that he had, in fact, just pulled a former professor's robes.

Hermione, who had been standing beside Ron said, "Err, professor?"

"Yes? What can I do for you two?"

"Well, we were just wondering if you'd seen Harry lately."

He thought for a moment. "No, sorry, I haven't. Not since… last night."

"Okay, well, thank you, sir," Hermione said, pulling Ron away.

"Yeah, thanks! And, erm, sorry!"

Remus smiled and shook his head at the pair of them as they left him, before raising the glass of firewhisky to his lips. Ron and Hermione had reminded him that he had, in fact, not seen Harry since last night. He had promised Harry he would update him about the meeting, but had been so wrapped up with in his problems with Tonks that he had completely forgotten. Feeling slightly guilty, Remus slipped out of the party and headed straight up the stairs.

He was relieved to find that Harry was sitting on the floor in Buckbeak's room, just as he had suspected. Remus closed the door gently and stood above Harry, who continued to stare ahead instead of stand or even meet Remus' eyes.

"Harry…" he began warily, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, fine."

Remus squatted so that he was at the same level as Harry. "You don't seem fine. Are you angry with me?"

"No," he replied quickly. Remus raised his eyebrows. "All right, yeah. Yeah, I am!"

"Because I didn't tell you what happened at the meeting?"

"Yeah. You said you were going to!" Harry growled.

"I suppose I did. I'm _really _sorry, Harry. I had a lot on my mind. Unfortunately, I forgot."

"Right."

"Really, Harry, I am sorry."

"I know."

Remus paused. "Would you like to know what happened?"

"I already know – they killed Hestia Jones. Word gets around."

"Yes, the beauty of living in a place like this…"

Harry rose from his place on the ground and headed out the door. "Harry, wait…"

The boy stopped, right before he turned the doorknob, and faced Remus again. "What?"

"We have to talk." Harry rolled his eyes. "It's important."

"All right," he replied tightly.

"I was trying to tell you this yesterday, but unfortunately, I was interrupted."

"Right."

He motioned for Harry to sit down on the dingy chair in the corner and, after Harry did so, Remus sat on the bed and faced Harry. The old bed squeaked under the weight of his body. Remus took a deep breath. "Well, Harry, might as well just say it… I killed Bellatrix Lestrange."

Harry looked up sharply, an intense curiosity laced with the emotion filling his eyes. "What?"

"I went out and got revenge, a little over a month ago. I killed her," he explained evenly, "For Sirius."

Harry gaped at him. "She's dead?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Truly."

Harry paused, looking down at his shoes. "I tried to kill her, you know."

"I know you did."

"I should've been the one to do it."

He sighed audibly. "It isn't something to desire, Harry."

"I'm going to be a murderer anyway… either that, or be murdered myself… might as well kill more than one person who deserves it!"

Remus shook his head. "We all have our roles in this fight, Harry, and killing Bellatrix _wasn't _yours."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

He sighed, seemingly accepting Remus' explanation. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I tried, but, well – there wasn't much time I found that I could be alone with you."

"So, you should've told me you had something important to say!"

"You were spending time with your friends, Harry… I didn't want to spoil that."

"Right. You just didn't want to _spoil my innocence_."

Remus was surprised by spiteful tone in which he said the last three words. The two of them locked eyes. Harry's eyes were filled with unfamiliar green blaze.

"Perhaps you're right, Harry. It's just – I guess I feel I owe it to James and Lily to keep you safe…" Harry's face softened at the mention of his parents. "It's hard for me, as well as the other Order members who love you _dearly, _to understand that ignorance is not going to keep you safe. I apologize for falling into the trap, Harry. It wasn't the least bit fair of me. From now on, I'll try my hardest to – to let you know the _entire _truth."

Harry nodded silently, staring determinedly at the worn, wooden floor. After an intense moment of silence, he repeated, "She's really dead?"

"She's really is, Harry." He sighed, remembering his promise to be completely honest with Harry. "And I was ready to sacrifice myself to ensure it."

Harry raised his brilliant green eyes to Remus', and he was mesmerized by the raw intensity that they held. "I was, too."

_**A/N: **So, apparently, when I say I'll update the next week, assume I'm not going to. I'm sorry. Things got crazy again. :( This chapter took me super long to write, and I ended up breaking it into two, so hopefully that means it'll be a little less time for the next chapter, but, well, we'll see. :/ I'm also working on a new series (that I won't post for a while) so that takes up more of my time. :$ Thanks for the reviews and your patience! _


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